Just as in anything in life whether it be pursuing a particular practice/art or our relationships with others, we are constantly coming up against 'walls' which we must find a way around or learn to work with. In my own experiences and in conversations with others I have come up against many. Of recent discussion was tying with someone who is easily aroused or tend to 'fall into subspace' very quickly. This can make it harder to achieve the exact tension with the ropes if one is not yet fully adept in handling the ropes and their partner simultaneously. I opened this forum to create a place where we can discuss such challenges, give advice and hopefully come up with techniques or ideas to overcome these.
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This is so me! My wife will not accompany me for lessons as she becomes significantly aroused with the mere application of rope and doesn't want to display that to strangers. I use a rope model for lessons. However when I get home and we tie she get so aroused and hypnotic that my ties get sloppy and I end up abandoning so much of the plan to just ... well. Its a happy problem but I get a bit discouraged in my abilities. I began studying 9 months ago but have been out of in person lessons for 6 due to COVID. I think just practice and getting beyond this COVID issue so I can get back to lessons with a model will help immensely. Any suggestions to keep her attention a bit more focused are appreciated if anyone has had experiences like this.
Hi Mark, I think we discussed this briefly via email. Hopefully we can get some opinions and ideas from others here in the forum as well. From my side, First of all, having the flexibility to abandon what you had planned and go with the flow is a great attitude and skill to possess. I also have sessions where nothing seems to go as planned. Sometimes you can easily adapt the tie slightly and things start to move in direction you hoped for. And, other times, you adapt and adapt, somehow end up ‘painting yourself into a corner’ so to speak. When this happens, I often completely untie, ensuring that the untying is also part of the ‘play.’ (sometime the untying even becomes the most enjoyable part of the session). And then start again with either the same tie, or something completely different. Having to untie, doesn’t mean ‘failure’ nor that the session needs to end.
Of course, this also requires having a larger ‘toolbox’ (or ‘go to’ ties) as well as knowledge/skills on how to apply the rope on the body (regardless of the tie) so that it doesn’t slip. For example, if tying the calves, always ensure that that top rope sits above and calf muscle and sits into the skin, so as to prevent it from slipping down. Being able to look at the body and muscle contours and adjust the ties to work with the body is the key. This does just take practice though.
As we discussed briefly via email, adding an element of predicament play can also be exciting and help with keeping your partner present and active by counteracting the arousal/pleasure with some slight discomfort while adding a different element to the session. This could be something as simple as tying the hair as attaching to a point above you (as this is not a suspension line, a solid light fixture may even suffice), or having your wife kneel on something hard or uncomfortable. DM discourse such as ordering your wife to hold something in her mouth, or stand up straight (if standing) may also work, and add another element at the same time. -Milla
Mark,
A few thoughts about your post.
As Milla indicated, untying (slowly or varying the pace) is one way to keep your wife's attention as you tie. If you blindfold her, by denying her sense of sight, she'll be forced to focus more with her other senses. Untying or tying will take on a new meaning for her as she will focus on the movement and feeling. The not knowing what you will be doing, will also help.
Being unpredictable is another technique that you can apply. This is where Milla's suggestion of abandoning your "plan" and going with the flow (based on how she reacts to your rope) and what you are also feeling like at that moment and tying accordingly.
Music helps too if you play soothing music that she can focus on and it is a great addition to your tying.
The above can be used for a scene or practice. You'll have to modify the approach slightly depending on what you are trying to accomplish.
Respectful regards,
Darkly_Dreaming
Thank you so much. Your response and suggestions mean more than you could realize.
There are lots of challenges in kinbaku for me personally. As you mentioned above, gaining a mastery of handling the ropes adeptly, observing the person being tied to pick up the subtle nuances of how the rope is affecting them, and then knowing how to combine those elements while trying to remain in the moment, is a challenge.
I've been tying for a little over two years, and have much to learn. And as I learn more, I discover that the beauty of kinbaku for me is knowing that I'll always be making new discoveries.
Yes, that is the beauty!
Just the other day I tied a girl, who started literally shaking before I had even finished the first top two wraps. It was quite difficult and I had to concentrate a lot to get the tensions of the rope exact while also holding her body from falling around. I actually pushed her head down and distanced myself ever slightly to detract some of the arousal until I had the initial wraps in place and under even tension. In this case I also held her head and instructed her to look into my eyes, which helped keep her focused on me rather than abandon herself to physical sensations. It really does depend on the person.
As I am still improving my tying practice, answering exhaustively to what challenges me in Kinbaku would be too long, but the first thing that comes to me is when I tie and suspend people who wants to try ropes for the first time but having no link whatsoever with the pain&pleasure culture. People not interested in the domination/submission part of the game but who simply wants to try the sensation of ropes on their body. Or even curious people but stressed to let go.
Although challenging, it's an interesting experience where I tend to focus more on how to create the less pain as possible and make the person feel secure in suspension, if I can I try to make them reach the meditative state you can feel with ropes. Still it's not that easy to bring the model in this sort of subspace when I am require to be "neutral" in my way of tying.
@Ombre Anatkh I haven't had many chances to experience what you wrote about -- tying/suspending people who just want to try rope, and are not necessarily "into" the scene, but I've found it to be a lot of fun, because there is an innocent recreational aspect to it. And like you wrote, it's a fun challenge to try and focus on the security aspect of the tie, rather than purposefully going for seme or more intense rope, which seems to be the norm. Apart from the actual tying, I do get a sense of accomplishment from introducing people to rope, because I'm very grateful to the people who originally introduced me to it. On the flipside, I often feel a lot of stress when tying someone who's very experienced and into rope...I just feel like, hmm, will I be able to answer up to their expectations?
@Dan T
As I mentioned in a prior post, think of each person's rope style as their style for having sex/being intimate. Everyone has a style/preferred way of doing it right?
Sometimes you meet someone that has more experience sexually than you. Sometimes you meet someone with less experience. Do you adjust your way of having sex based on the person you have sex with? Maybe? Maybe not? The important aspect is being true to YOUR way of having sex. What works for you and how you like to be intimate.
The same applies for your rope. It doesn't matter if the person you are tying has more or less experience with rope. YOU can bring something unique with your style that the person being tied may never have experienced before. Maybe their will be a connection. Maybe there won't. And that's okay.
Keeping your confidence, positive energy, and learning how to adjust your rope to the reactions off the person being tied and being true to you is important.
That's an interesting to topic to bring up. I am of similar thinking to @Dan T in that I can reap enjoyment from providing someone with an experience. It is also quite humbling in a way. Deep connective and 'seme' rope is great, and what I do a lot of, but sometimes just goofing around or simply providing an experience can be fun.
@Ombre Anatkh I find that people who are simply curious will also tend to me very nervous and tense. Think back to your first experience. Sometimes, keeping it light and making them laugh will work. In other cases, adding a blindfold or something that can help them shut out the outside world and relax to the ropes is more effective. If their bodies are tense it can be very difficult to tie, so helping them to relax and ALSO having fun yourself is important, I think.